these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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