Where is the hickey?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Randomize
