just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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