All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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