i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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