and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
