The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
