i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
