Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
