Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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