What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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