I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
