he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize