I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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