Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
