Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
