This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
