I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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