I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
