do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
