I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
