i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize