i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
