I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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