By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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