She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Let's get the cat blown out
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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