Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
