: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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