gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
