I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
