it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
