I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
