guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sorry about my life...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
