I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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