Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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