Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
