Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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