I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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