Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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