You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
