Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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