I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Sober January is a disaster.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
