I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
