I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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