This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
