im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
