after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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