I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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