Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
