She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
