So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
