maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
