I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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