Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
