When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
