I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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