2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
