your parents love me but you hate me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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